More life coaching with Hugh

DF-07871   Hugh Jackman as Logan in X-Men: Days of Future Past.

Imaginary Hugh Jackman has taken time out of his busy schedule of chicken-shredding and tree-felling to help me AND a few of my long-suffering acquaintances with our issues. He’s nice like that.

Dear Hugh,

If I buy biscuits, I eat them. This makes me happy, but fat. If I don’t buy biscuits, I don’t eat them. This makes me sad, but less fat. Solve for x.


Imaginary Hugh says:

Mate, tell me about it. Now, I like a good biscuit as much as the next man, but if I was chowin’ down on the old Tim Tams year-round I’d never be able to do manly stuff like zipwire across Sydney Harbour or save people from riptides – and I’ve done both those things, by the way, you can damn well Google it if you want.

So try this next time you’re craving a cookie:

Put some peanut butter on an apple. Put the apple on a bed of kale. Put the kale on a brown bear and wrestle that mother to the ground. If you survive, have a biscuit.

Dear Hugh,

Ever since watching Prisoners the other week I’ve been having urges to write fan fiction based on your co-star Jake Gyllenhaal’s character. This has never happened to me before. Do I hide my fan fiction leanings?


Imaginary Hugh says:

Hey, you gotta chase your bliss, lady. You know what I like after a long day of wearing a leather romper, frowning moodily and eviscerating military personnel? I like a damn bath. And sure, maybe sometimes there are candles. And what if I want a little soft music for some goddamn atmosphere? And a slimline tonic? Right?

So yeah, you write whatever. Maybe it’s an alternate universe and Jake Gyllenhaal’s being held prisoner by me, Hugh Jackman. Maybe we scuffle a bit. Maybe Jake escapes into the woods and I track him down and we roll around in the mulch. Maybe I’m furious at first, but then it’s complicated and I cry a single angry tear which lands on Jake’s face. Then we find a deserted cabin and I lock the doors and break furniture to start a fire, because we’re kind of wet from the forest floor… I dunno, that’s just an example. Carry on.

Dear Hugh

I am very stressed out about moving house next week, particularly having to make a long car journey with a baby who doesn’t love the car. How can I stay calm in the face of brain-frazzling logistics and a screamy infant?


Imaginary Hugh says:

Right, so first ask yourself if you really need all your furniture and crap or if you could travel light, like me. I’ve found that all you really need is a remote Alaskan cave, a cheap FM radio and a small photo of Famke Janssen. As for the kid; consider dropping her at the side of the highway with a penknife and a flask of Bovril. If she’s resourceful, she’ll find her own way there. Easy.

Thanks Hugh, sound advice indeed.

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