December can, frankly, suck it. All three of us got sick, which for me was just another illness in a year of physical catastrophes, then Christmas was spent wrangling the baby in the usual manner, only slightly more pissed (us) and earachey (her). We couldn’t even be bothered with a turkey and had a – to be fair, magnificent – beef stroganoff.
The only way I’ve been able to deal with the mucussy, knackered, drizzly slog of it all has been to watch Hugh Jackman films on my iPhone by the crib. Luckily, this is an excellent way to deal with any of life’s crappier episodes.
Plot: Nicole Kidman is an uptight Englishwoman! Hugh is a burly Aussie cattle drover! Join them and a cast of thousands (of cows) as they embark on a romantic adventure through the 1940s outback! Also, become an armchair ‘expert’ on Aboriginal culture for the next week. Excellent.
Jackmanosity: Horse riding + Fighting + Gratuitous shirtlessness + Rare outing for native accent = PEAK JACKMAN. 10/10.
Cringe moment: Every Hugh movie has him doing or saying something that is slightly beneath his dignity, and this is no exception. Within the first fifteen minutes he’s proffering a pair of silky bloomers and saying ‘Welcome to Australia’. Poor Hugh.
Feelgood factor: HIGH. It’s like three films in one, and they all star Hugh Jackman and a herd of cattle. I’m not really sure what else you could possibly want.
Film: Les Miserables
Plot: Hugh plays Jean Valjean, a petty criminal now reformed but still pursued by Russell Crowe, the anti-Hugh. Valjean’s sister’s child was close to death, and they were starving – he will starve again! Unless he learns the meaning of the law. He knows the meaning of those nineteen years, a slave of the laaaaawwwww. *brassy parp* Look, it’s complicated, okay?
Jackmanosity: Lots of singing but almost no shirtlessness AND only gets soaked to the skin once. 5/10.
Cringe moment: If you don’t like musicals, the whole thing. Thankfully I love them like cake.
Feelgood factor: LOW. I mean, I guess it makes you feel good about not living in revolutionary France and/or having to sell your own teeth to a crone.
Film: X-Men. All the X-Mens.
Plot: Hugh is WOLVERINE, terrifying man-beast of adamantium and rage and hair. That’s really all you need to know. It’s great.
Jackmanosity: Almost always shirtless and angry. Smokes cigars. Rides a motorcycle. Is at one point a lumberjack. 10/10.
Cringe moment: Most of the script. ‘What do you teach?’ ‘Art.’ I still don’t really get that one. All made up for by a two-word cameo in X-Men: First Class.
Feelgood factor: HIGH. They are mutants, by crivvens, led by Jean-Luc Picard. Honestly, just watch them all right now.
These are all the Hugh Jackman films I’ve managed so far, but there are still plenty to enjoy; I shall update you on my progress. One note for anyone attempting a Hugh Jackmanathon in Bad Times – don’t watch The Prestige, it’s very depressing and has ridiculously low Jackmanosity. 😢