Quest to impress Shania Twain

Chris got a Spotify subscription a while back, and he keeps listening to this cheesy 90s-heavy playlist in the morning while I’m having a shower. It’s both amazing and dreadful, and raises all kinds of intriguing thoughts like: Wow, I had no idea I knew all the words to Oops I Did It Again, and All champagne is French, Ricky Martin. And if someone forces you to order it, they’re not really your friend.

But the track that winds me up most is Shania Twain’s That Don’t Impress Me Much. For so many reasons, but mainly the sheer unimpressability of Shania herself. Let’s recap:

Things that don’t impress Shania Twain:

  • Rocket scientists
  • Personal grooming
  • Car ownership
  • Elvis Presley
  • Brad Pitt

Things that might impress Shania Twain:

  • Keeping warm at night
  • Possessing ‘the touch’

Shania is looking for a car-free idiot with poor hygiene and at least one hand. Get over yourself, Shania, you’re not impressing anyone with that attitude.

This post brought to you from 1998. Goodnight.

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