A belated happy happy new year to you! I was horribly poorly for most of December, so I spent much of our super-duper Christmas break weeping and watching the Lord of the Rings trilogy in bed. Don’t pity me; this is actually a pretty great way to spend Christmas.
Because I was so deeply bored, I took screengrabs of all the bits that distract me every chuffing time I watch these films. I am aware, of course, that they are all ridiculous.
Scary Hobbit prop
Ride like the wind, Arwen! Look, black riders everywhere! Frodo will never make it to Rivendell! Actually, that’s not Frodo. That’s… terrifying.
Bonus horse photobomb in the background, there. Nice one, horse.
Crooked Elven headgear
What I’m supposed to think: Arwen and Aragorn reunited! Truly, their love is as eternal as her beauty is ethereal. What an uplifting end to this whole Middle Earth bunfight. And everyone looks so clean. I wish I was an elf.
What I actually think: Is Arwen’s headgear a bit squint? I mean, it doesn’t look squint, but if you follow the line from that centre-dip to the little teardrop on her forehead, it’s definitely leaning to her left. Not that it matters, of course. But I bet they filmed this loads of times, and it’s the climactic scene of a multi-million dollar franchise, so you’d really think someone would make sure that thing was stuck in place or something. How did they get Elrond’s hair in that funky celtic knot? Is the cooker on? I’ll just go and check. I wish I was an elf.
I honestly don’t think I’ve ever listened to the dialogue in this scene. It’s mental chaos.
Orcs. They’re an army of crazy lump-faced killers who exist only to serve a giant disembodied eye. They leer! They fight each other! They walk like angry orangutans! But how are they so organised? Who sorts out the guard shifts? Who teaches them to march in such perfect formation? Where do they sleep? How do they decide who does what? If I was an orc, I’d like to be one of those troll-masters. I’d teach the trolls to do tricks in my spare time, then we’d start a circus act and be the toast of Mordor. No more battles for me!
When researching this matter, I found a cartoon that poses the same question about Reavers, and also a page with a sentence that I misread as ‘Orcs generally hate Elvis’, which only deepened my confusion.
That is all.
Edited to add: Chris tells me he always notices Aragorn’s beard glue in the squinty-headwear scene. Interesting.