It’s possible I’m posting too much about television at the moment. Which in turn suggests that I’m watching too much television. But! None of my team at work watch Downton Abbey, and I’ve got no one to dissect it with. Except you. Lucky old you.
Warning! Contains spoilers for, oh, every Downton Abbey ever.
Lesson 1: When invited to dinner, shut up and enjoy the poussin
We need to talk about Bunting. You know – mouthy teacher lady, wears annoying hats? I suspect the writers of Downton Abbey want us to find Miss Bunting’s constant brutal honesty a charming and sassy personality quirk, but sadly she comes off as a complete psychopath.
ROSE: Do let’s invite Miss Bunting to dinner!
EDITH: Who? That woman who harasses Papa about his inherited house and well cared-for staff and ethically-run estate?
ROSE: That’s the one. I’m trying to fix her up with Tom, mainly because she’s the only non-toff we know who isn’t a servant or dead.
GRANDMAMA: Won’t she cause an embarrassing scene? Like last time, when she ruined the fancy anniversary party with her mockery of soldiers? Or the time before that, when she insisted that Branson took her ‘up the gallery’?
ROSE: Piff and nonsense! I’m going to tell Cousin Cora, then we can gather round the new wireless and invent krumping.
But within 15 seconds of the dinner gong, there’s Bunting, sniggering at the liveries and humiliating poor Papa before he’s had a chance to enjoy Mrs Patmore’s mysterious ‘savouries’.
Go home, Bunting, no pudding for you. EVER.
Lesson 2: Never ever boff a toff out of wedlock
Kemal Pamuk? DEAD. Military guy who impregnated the maid? DEAD. Edith’s boring editor man? MISSING IN NAZI GERMANY.
If you visit Downton Abbey, gentlemen, keep your trousers on.***
Lesson 3: The 20th century had the most badass gadgets
From Bates’ gory limp-curing brace to Ethel dusting ‘vapours’ from the electric sockets, Downton really embraces the exciting innovations of the day. Just look at Carson’s incredible decanting machine. Look at it!
Er, I’m all out of steam. There’s a post-industrial revolution joke there somewhere; you’ll just have to make it yourself. I’m not your bloody mum.
***Related: Do you think Thomas is trying to ‘cure’ homosexuality with his creepy box o’ vials?