In the meantime, I recapped the last episode of Doctor Who in ridiculous detail. Lucky you.
Warning: Contains spoilers for the current series of Doctor Who. Obviously.
Previously on Doctor Who: We got a sneaky peek at the Doctor’s Dalek-bound new companion, there were dinosaurs on a spaceship, the Doctor wore a stetson and we discovered that Rory’s dad is Mr Weasley. And the Ponds continued their heartrending quest through time and space to bring home their kidnapped baby – what’s that? Oh. Never mind. You can catch up on the series so far here.
Amy’s middle class montage of woe
Amy bemoans her domestic life from the garden of her mortgage-free house. Way to be relatable, Amy.
AMY: So when we’re in the TARDIS, it’s all death-defying funtimes with creamy vanilla topping, but when we’re at home it’s all ‘Amy, do the laundry’, and ‘Amy, do you have any formal qualifications?’ I’m so, like, sick of it all.
RORY: Christ, I can’t take one more minute of this beautiful garden.
AMY: And we’re out of Activia.
RORY: Are you wearing a wig?
AMY: Shh, I can hear… the TARDIS.
Weirdly deserted playground
The Doctor is perched on a climbing frame, holding a little black cube. Hi. Meanwhile, Prof Brian Cox works through his Bucket List of Careers – next stop, Formula 1!
DOCTOR: Hey dudes. So these little black cubes are everywhere now. Get on board.
SOPHIE RAWORTH: Eat it, Kaplinsky.
The Doctor and the Ponds are hanging out in the TARDIS with – yay! – Rory’s dad. They’re trying to figure out what the little cubes are.
MR WEASLEY: They could be bombs, or alien eggs, or lots of bits of a bigger thing, like a spaceship, perhaps.
DOCTOR: I can’t help but notice that you’re a billion times more engaged and observant than any of my other companions. Please continue to watch the cubes in a diligent and useful way while we arse about in spats and corsets.
MR WEASLEY: Wilco.
The Doctor announces that he’ll need to stay with Amy and Rory for a while because… look, I don’t know. He’s got a whole gigantic TARDIS he could just park on a side street, but whatever. Journos, brace yourself for the bit where Amy says that she ‘wri travul ariculs for magazeenz.’ Ah yes, that notoriously lucrative freelance niche. And Rory’s still a nurse, apparently.
UNIT SOLDIERS: *burst in*
HEAD OF SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH KATE STEWART: Hello, I’m Head of Scientific Research Kate Stewart.
DOCTOR: Howdy. What do you know about these planet-invading cubes?
HEAD OF SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH KATE STEWART: Zip. We thought about rounding them all up and stashing them in a secure facility –
EVERYONE: Great! Let’s do that.
HEAD OF SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH KATE STEWART: – but then we decided not to.
The Doctor gets bored and does a few chores, including hoovering, car maintenance and painting the fence with creosote. Hilarity ensues, assuming you’ve drunk as much wine as I have.
The Doctor, bored of waiting for cube-related action, decides to leave for a bit. Amy and Rory refuse to go with him, opting to spend some time with their boring Earthfriends and Mr Weasley. The Doctor’s got hurt feelings.
DOCTOR: Fine, stay behind. Enjoy your ‘jobs’, losers.
MR WEASLEY: I brought my own folding chair.
DOCTOR: No one even mentioned my casserole.
Mr Weasley’s cube blog, day 67
MR WEASLEY: This week, I have been mostly watching cubes.
It is now Christmas. Prof Brian Cox has his foot stuck in a toilet. An old guy is in bed, trying to read an adorably retro-looking paperback. Two male nurses in surgical masks enter the old guy’s cubicle, oh no.
MASK NURSE 1: Where does it hurt?
OLD GUY: What? No jelly for me, thanks.
MASK NURSE 2: What seems to be the matter?
OLD GUY: Nothing much. I’m fine thanks. Just hangin’.
The nurses advance on the old guy, who freaks out and pulls off their masks – they are scary cube-mouthed aliens. Aaaargh! In the waiting room beyond, a creepy little girl sits and, er, fondles a cube.
Cubes around the world – a journey
Cubes in cafés! Cubes in offices! Cubes! Cubes! Starts to look weird if you type it too many times. CUBES.
Amy & Rory’s anniversary barbecue
It’s summer again, and the Ponds are enjoying a swingin’ barbecue. Side note: I hate barbecues. I always leave hungry, cold and drunk.
AMY: (on phone) Hey Doctor. FYI, the cubes have been designated ‘safe’ by the UN, and no one really cares about them any more. Toodles.
DOCTOR: Behold, I am actually here! And I’ve got a sexy anniversary present for you.
ABSOLUTELY NO ONE: On this happy occasion, please raise your glasses and drink a toast to the one Pond never far from our hearts… poor Baby Melody. May The Silence tuck her in to the headfuck spacesuit-cage extra snugly tonight. *clink*
The Savoy, 1890
I wish I was friends with the Doctor. You could literally ask for the moon on a stick for Christmas.
DOCTOR: Enjoy. I’ll be back for you in the morning. *leer*
Seven week historical detour
Uh, the Savoy has aliens under it and Amy marries Henry VIII. Or something. Then they all go back to the party.
Amy & Rory’s anniversary barbecue
AMY and RORY: Let’s have cake!
PARTY GUESTS: Whoopee! Why were none of us at your wedding?
MR WEASLEY: (whispers) Doctor, would you say it’s dangerous at all, this gadding about in the TARDIS?
DOCTOR: Nah. I mean, Rory dies all the time and he’s totally fine. He likes it.
About effing time
The cubes are doing things! Spinning, fingerprinting, firing lasers and opening up. In other news, does anyone else really need to see the Doctor’s Wii Mii?
MR WEASLEY: Zzzzz.
Rory is called in to work, and his dad goes with him to help. Meanwhile, Amy gets to go on an exciting mission to the Tower of London with the Doctor. Hasn’t she got any travularculs to write?
Tower of London, UNIT HQ
HEAD OF SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH KATE STEWART: Hello, I’m Kate Stewart again. Come for the fifteen seconds of exposition, stay for the simmering sexual tension.
Kate’s boffins are doing all kinds of experiments on the cubes, which are now going completely bananas in various different ways. There’s a cube that plays The Birdie Song. Honestly.
Touching riverside scene
Amy reveals that she and Rory might stop travelling with the Doctor soon. Crank up the Sweeping Violins o’ Sorrow 😦
Tower of London, UNIT HQ
Back in the lab, the cubes have all switched into OMGcountdown mode.
DOCTOR: Nobody panic!
Cubes around the world, and there’s no place like home. Oh baby.
CUBES: Seven swans a-swimming! Six zygotes vanishing! Five Tennants gurning! Scary cubey thiiiiings! Everybody!
Creepy hospital corridor
Poor Mr Weasley just can’t catch a break; he’s been kidnapped by the cubemouth dudes and carted off through the elevator’s handy space/time wormhole. Don’t worry, someone’s coming to the rescue! Oh, it’s just Rory.
RORY: Hey –
CUBEMOUTH DUDES: *run away*
RORY: *sigh* That went well.
Tower of London, UNIT HQ
The gang are watching ‘CCTV feeds from across the world’ – the cubes have now stopped counting down. This is the most boring alien invasion ever. But wait!
DOCTOR: The cubes have identified humanity’s weak point; your stupid, flappy hearts!
THE GENERAL PUBLIC: *hammy chest clutch*
ONE OF THE DOCTOR’S HEARTS: *ka-blump*
OTHER HEART: No, I’m totally fine, thanks.
KATE STEWART: FYI, a third of the population has been reported DEAD.
Surprisingly chilled-out hospital corridor
DOCTOR: So woozy…
AMY: Shall I call Rory about this medical emergency? Apparently not.
CREEPY KID: *glowy blue eyes*
DOCTOR: She’s an android, monitoring everything! Let me just switch her off and we’ll all have one less flimsy plot point to worry about.
CREEPY KID: Even I don’t care about me. *shutdown*
Amy gives possibly the world’s worst demonstration of an automated defibrillator, tut tut. Sorry, I’m ragging on Amy too much this week. Um, she has a nice blouse. And her hair looks good.
DOCTOR: *leaps up* To the wormhole!
Some badass spaceship, Earth orbit
The Doctor and Amy rescue Rory and Mr Weasley, huzzah. Then they discover an angry Darth Vader Shakri behind a screen. He’s kind of a buzzkill.
DOCTOR: Crikey, I thought you guys were the stuff of legend.
SHAKRI: All is death. Time is a construct. Starbucks is just milk.
DOCTOR: Is there any way I can convince you halt the cube-driven genocide?
SHAKRI: No. Humans are a plague. We will kill all humans. Then start on the puppies. *vanishes*
DOCTOR: Let me just fiddle with this computer a bit. *fiddles*
AMY: But Doctor, this episode has to end in, like, three minutes.
DOCTOR: It’s cool, look I’ll just send all the Shakri ships spinning off into space and turn the little cubes into magical defibrillators that can cure all the dead people.
SHAKRI SHIPS: *disappear*
ALL THE DEAD PEOPLE: *are alive again*
AMY: Wow. That was easy.
RORY: But Doctor, I’m sure I was taught that once heart and breathing has stopped, the chance of resuscitation is just 1%? #OMGfirstaid
EVERYONE: Shut up, Rory.
DOCTOR: Right, just enough time for a thrilling explosion. Let’s go.
The terrifying vacuum of space
The Shakri ship explodes. Kablammo!
The gang are all well and eating Chinese food. It looks delicious.
DOCTOR: Okay, time for another TARDIS adventure. Mr Weasley, won’t you join us?
MR WEASLEY: No.
My ‘Brian for Companion’ campaign starts here, by the way. Send a self-addressed envelope to receive your pinbadge and window sticker.
The gang pile into the TARDIS, while Mr Weasley waves them off.
MR WEASLEY: Bye everyone! Don’t anyone die horribly in a thrilling two-part finale!