Hooray, a new series of Doctor Who! But why watch the first episode when you could wade through acres of poorly edited and flamboyantly punctuated recapping by me? Hm? What do you mean, you’re ‘busy’?
Warning: Contains spoilers for the new series of Doctor Who.
Previously on Doctor Who:
Amy and Rory had a baby who turned out to be River Song. Except she was part-Time Lord and somehow ended up older than everyone else. And there was a banana… gun? Honestly, I can’t remember. It’s probably on ye olde iPlayer. So, how’ve you been?
Dante’s Peak Vulcan Skaro
CLOAK LADY: Can’t read my, can’t read my, no you can’t read my plunger face.
DALEKS: DOCTOR! IS! ACQUIRED!
Bonnie Tyler memorial bouffant boutique, London
Amy is starring in a photoshoot for Alternately Bored & Inexplicably Furious magazine. She has ‘Love’ and ‘Hate’ written on her knuckles in Biro. Okay.
PHOTOGRAPHER: Aw yeah, work it, baby, you’re hot like magma.
CAMERA: *snappety snap*
AMY: Here is my bored expression. And here is my other bored expression.
POLITE HIPSTER: BTW, your husband is here.
AMY: *stomps out*
RORY: Hey kids, look at my AWESOME NEW HAIR.
AMY: That’s not going to stop me divorcing you with my Knuckle-Biro of Anarchy.
DALEKS: ALSO, WE ARE KIDNAPPING YOU.
Parliament of the Daleks (Tomorrow: Bingo)
Hundreds of Daleks are lined up in a lecture hall-type setup. I know what you’re thinking; there must be loads of ramps and no chairs, they could host a really kick-ass rollerdisco.
DOCTOR: I don’t want to alarm anyone, but we’re almost certainly about to die horribly.
DALEKS: SAVE THE DALEKS! SAVE THE DALEKS! SAVE THE DALEKS!
FONT-TASTIC NEW CREDITS
Fortress of delusion
Not-Nigella Lawson is voiceover-ing about her shitty day making soufflé and keeping Daleks out of her surprisingly-stylish bunker. It’s much nicer than Desmond’s bunker, although his music was catchier: YO WHATUP 2005. PREPARE FOR KALE.
NOT-NIGELLA: Dear Diary, today I burned a soufflé and wore full evening make up. Also, Daleks are trying to batter the door down. Bye for now!
Parliament of the Daleks (No spitting or horseplay)
The Doctor is summoned to talk to the Dalek Prime Minister. The PM is so special that he’s in a perspex box, all pulsating and blinky. Ew. Cloak lady is still hanging around, expositioning that she’s a Dalek sockpuppet whose human memories are ‘only reactivated if they are required to facilitate deep cover or disguise’. Remember that, kids.
DALEK PM: CHECK OUT OUR DALEK ASYLUM PLANET. IT’S WHERE WE KEEP ALL THE BROKEN DALEKS.
DOCTOR: Why don’t you just kill them?
DALEK PM: NO GOOD REASON. SO THERE’S ALL THIS BIZET COMING FROM THE CENTRE OF THE PLANET AND YOU HAVE TO SORT IT OUT, MMMKAY? [YO WHATUP 1996. BUY APPLE SHARES.]
The Doctor uses the Bizet signal to contact Not-Nigella, who it turns out is called Oswin Oswald. No, really, that’s her name. I know.
OSWIN: Yeah, I’ve been shipwrecked on this scary Dalek planet for over a year. On my own.
DOCTOR: Wow, sucks to be you.
OSWIN: But aren’t you impressed with how completely sane and in-no-way injured I am?
DOCTOR: I guess. You’re sassy, too, thank gods. The one thing the TARDIS is crying out for is a really sassy, verbose woman with loads of sexual confidence and the ability to make light of even the most terrifying situations. Yup. Haven’t seen enough of those in the last seven years.
Then the Dalek PM gets all up in the Doctor’s grill about the fact that if Oswin’s found a way in, all the crazy Daleks can find a way out and, like, break the universe. It’s terribly exciting.
CLOAK LADY: To summarise, we’re sending you to the Dalek planet in the hope that you’ll manage to switch off the force field that’s stopping us from destroying it.
DOCTOR: And then what?
CLOAK LADY: We’ll destroy it.
Asylum of the Daleks, dazzling snowscape edition
Look at the pretty, pretty snow. And there’s a dude there wearing a huge fluffy jacket made of organic yeti pelt. Rory, Amy and the Doctor literally fall out of the sky.
YETI GUY: Hey, wow, are you okay? Have you come to rescue us?
AMY: *runs away*
DOCTOR and RORY: *aren’t in this bit*
Asylum of the Daleks, somewhere else
A little camera pokes out of the snow. Hello! It spins around like a periscope, focusing on the Doctor, who lies unconscious in the snow. It’s hard to concentrate on the dialogue in this scene because a) the camera lens looks like a sheep’s eyeball, and b) I’ve just noticed that the Doctor is wearing a lovely new jacket. There really are some top AW12/13 tips in this episode.
OSWIN: (on eyeball cam) Hi!
DOCTOR: You’re creepy. And suspiciously adept with Dalek technology.
Amy and Yeti Guy stagger in and they all go off in search of Rory. Turns out he’s fallen down a big CGI hole – oh, Rory!
St Rusty’s home for snoozy woozy Daleks
Rory awakes in a room that’s far too damp for the proper storage of electrical components and/or genetically-engineered alien blob monsters. There are lots of rusty-looking Daleks parked around him, so he gets up very slowly and quietly.
Worst cruise ever
YETI GUY: Welcome to our luxurious crashed escape pod! All mod cons plus cosy yeti skins for everyone. Meet my fellow crewmen: Bony, Corpseface and Gaping McSockets.
DOCTOR: But – they’re dead, you fool!
YETI GUY: Oh yeah. I think I might be dead too. *plunger face*
The Doctor explodes a fire extinguisher at poor Yeti Guy and he’s forced out of the escape pod. Sadly, Bony and friends have also gone puppety-plungery and zombie-esque.
DOCTOR: Don’t panic!
KIDS EVERYWHERE: *panic*
BONY: I just want to cuddle… your braaaaaaaains.
BONY: Or we could have dinner and see how we feel?
Amy and the Doctor lock themselves in the escape pod’s cockpit.
Cockpit of overlooked plot points
AMY: Doctor, those zombie guys just stole my special wristband. You know, the one that stops the nanobots from turning me into a plunger-faced Dalek puppet?
Yes, yes, they’re all wearing special wristbands to protect them from the horrible Dalek nanobot-Geppettos. I’m sorry I didn’t mention it earlier. Look, I said I’m sorry, okay? Jesus.
OSWIN: (on pod’s radio) Oh, hey guys. How’s it hangin’?
DOCTOR: How exactly are you following us around the place electronically? And accessing the impenetrable Dalek technology?
OSWIN: All this plus dimples! I am the best at everything.
DOCTOR: Great. Seriously, I doubt there are any female viewers who would have enjoyed an introverted or ordinary-looking proxy about the place. Waiter, more kook!
AMY: Let’s climb down this scary rope ladder I found. PS Rory and I are getting divorced.
DOCTOR: I need a drink.
St Rusty’s home for snoozy woozy Daleks
Rory is fiddling with a dusty Dalek. At this point, Rory, you deserve everything you get. Hot AW12/13 look – I’m feeling the textured layering and nude ankle boot.
DUSTY DALEK: EVERYBODY LOOK TO THEIR LEFT
RORY: Um, hi?
DUSTY DALEK: EXEXEXEXEXEXEXEXEX
RORY: Eggs? Is this an egg? Are those eggs? Am I the egg man?
VIEWERS: Fly, you fool!
DALEKS: EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!
DISEMBODIED OSWIN: Run away! I will guide you with my dimples of omniscience.
RORY: *runs away*
Rory escapes to a corridor then chats with Disembodied Oswin for a while. She discusses her teenage bi-curious phase. Of course she does.
The longest rope ladder ever
AMY: Am I going to turn into one of those horrible Dalek sockpuppets?
DOCTOR: ’Fraid so. In fact, the process has already started.
AMY: I’m scared. I don’t think I have a scared expression.
EVERYONE: Just do ‘bored’ again. It’s your Blue Steel.
DOCTOR: Right, you stand guard while I chat to Oswin-cam.
AMY: *is vague*
The Doctor and Oswin talk strategy, while Amy loses her freaking mind.
AMYVISION: You’re twistin’ my melon, man.
PARTY PEOPLE: Do come in! We’re having polenta.
AMYVISION: Is that Thandie Newton?
PARTY PEOPLE: No.
PARTY PEOPLE: *are daleks*
Amy and the Doctor run like the clappers. Then they get cornered by a really sad, broken Dalek. He’s got bits hanging off him but he’s still trying to do his special Dalek duty. Aw.
DOCTOR: Heh, your gun’s broken, loser.
BROKEN DALEK: WAIT I CAN DO SELF-DESTRUCTING YES
Then the Doctor fiddles inside the Dalek’s head and forces him to reverse into his Dalek mates. That seems a bit disrespectful. Poor old Dalek.
BROKEN DALEK: OOPS FORWARD FORWARD I CANNOT STOP DESTRUCTING SORRY PARDON ME
OTHER DALEKS: YOU MORON!
ALL THE DALEKS: *explode*
RORY: *runs in* Hi! Why do I always miss the action sequences? Is it because I tend to die in them?
DOCTOR: Yes. Also, Amy is unconscious and will probably wake up as a scary Dalek drone.
DISEMBODIED OSWIN: Do you know how you make someone into a Dalek? Subtract love and add hate. Also subtract limbs, hair, teeth and minor organs. And add a big metal casing. That’ll do it.
There’s a Scottish joke here that I don’t really get. Actually, I rarely get the Scottish jokes in this show. I think they’re saying that Scots are often angry. Or that we often sound angry? Or that going to Scotland is infuriating? I have no idea.
DOCTOR: Hey, Oswin, how come you weren’t turned by the nanobots?
OSWIN: Remember the part where I’m the best at everything? Including hacking computers and operating heavy machinery and fending off Daleks? That.
DOCTOR: Fine. I’ve noticed we’re standing on a teleport. Oswin, if you drop the force field, Amy, Rory and I can get back to the Dalek parliament, where we may or may not be killed by the pulsating PM.
Oswin agrees to drop the force field only if she can escape with the rest of the gang. Sigh. Amy and Rory wait by the teleport while the Doctor heads off in search of Oswin.
Storytime with the Ponds
RORY: Why don’t you take my wristband? Because I love you more than you love me. Getting away with it alll myyyy life. Etc.
AMY: *roryslap* Bitch, I threw you out so you could escape the sucking despair of my barren womb.
Holy smokes, this is depressing. I feel pretty confident in stating that no one has ever, ever tuned into Doctor Who in the hope that someone will ‘talk openly about infertility’. On the upside, Amy’s ‘upset’ expression is coming on a treat.
AMY: I can never give you children.
RORY: I know.
EVERYONE: But you already have a child! Remember, with the glittery shoes and the hair and everything?
AMY: Oh hang on, I’m actually wearing the Doctor’s wristband.
RORY: Looks kind of hefty. You’d think you’d have noticed.
Crazy corridor is crazy
The Doctor follows a map, creeping closer to Oswin. Which, by the way, is a really difficult name to type accurately at speed.
DISEMBODIED OSWIN: Excellent, you’re almost here! Just follow the corridor and hang a left when you get to the row of malfunctioning, badly chained-up Daleks who hate you with an all-consuming passion.
DOCTOR: The what now?
ANGRY DALEKS: DOK-TOR! DOK-TOR!
DISEMBODIED OSWIN: Don’t worry, they’re chained up. Badly.
CHAINS: *break instantly*
ANGRY DALEKS: HOLD STILL DOK-TOR! WE KILL YOU NOW!
The Daleks halt their advance just before they reach the Doctor. Phew!
ANGRY DALEKS: THIS IS AWKWARD. AND YOU ARE?
DOCTOR: What did you do?
DISEMBODIED OSWIN: I just hacked into their hivemind thing and deleted all of their Doctor-related memories. Clever, huh?
SLIDEY DOOR: Do come in.
Room of horrible inevitability
The Doctor enters a white room and is taken aback by something horrible. Oswin can see him through the Fortress of Delusion’s little round window.
DISEMBODIED OSWIN: Come on in! I’ll just pack my stuff. My suspiciously-lovely stuff.
DOCTOR: Riiiiiight. I may have some bad news for you.
DISEMBODIED OSWIN: Bad news like ‘Amy’s going to loathe you’?
DOCTOR: No. Well, yes, but no. The thing is, you’re totally a Dalek.
The camera pans around so we can see what the Doctor sees; Oswin is a big ol’ Dalek, with the voice and everything. Oh no!
DALEK OSWIN: NO, NO, I’M A REAL GIRL.
DOCTOR: You’re really not. You can’t come on the TARDIS, even though that would clearly be the best odd-couple scenario ever. Remember the infinite supply of fresh soufflé eggs? That should’ve tipped you off.
DALEK OSWIN: EGGS. EGGS. EXEXEXEXEXEXEXTERMINATE!
CHAINS: *are useless on this planet*
DOCTOR: No, stoppit!
DALEK OSWIN: EXTERMINATE! EXTER- SORRY I GOT CARRIED AWAY. OKAY, YOU RUN AWAY AND I’LL JUST STAY HERE AND BE A DALEK. SEEMS FAIR. EGGS. EGGS.
DOCTOR: Aces! Okay, can you do me a lemon and drop the force field to we can teleport out of here?
DALEK OSWIN: FINE. BYE THEN. EGGS.
DOCTOR: Cheers, see ya!
The Asylum of the Daleks is exploding around the teleport, but Amy and Rory are snogging and don’t care. Is it wrong that I’m disappointed by their reconciliation? They’re more fun when they fight.
DOCTOR: *runs in* Let’s go! *activates teleport*
RORY and AMY: *snog*
The horrifying void of outer space
The Asylum of the Daleks EXPLODES into a zillion tiny pieces! Dramatic.
Parliament of the Daleks (Stay in low gear)
CAPTAIN OBVIOUS: THE ASYLUM IS DESTROYED.
EVERYONE: You think?
ANTSY DALEK: INCOMING! WE ARE UNDER ATTACK! OMG! DUCK AND COVER!
The gang have teleported straight into the TARDIS – nice work! For some reason, the Doctor decides to pop out and gloat for a bit.
DOCTOR: Hi! Here I am! Remember when I used to be scared of you?
ANTSY DALEK: WHO ARE YOU? WHAT’S HAPPENING? I NEED A DRINK.
DOCTOR: It’s me, the Doctor! Remember the Spitfire times?
CLOAK LADY: Who? Doctor who?
DALEKS: DOCTOR WHO? DOCTOR WHO? DOCTOR WHO?
On that canonically-thrilling bombshell, the Doctor ducks back into the TARDIS, which disappears and further confuses the Daleks. Poor old Daleks.
Some house that the Ponds can only have bought through time-travel-assisted gambling
RORY: Are we still divorced or what?
AMY: And do we still dress up? I miss the dressing up.
The Doctor is striding around, all happy-likes. Hey, knock-knock! Who’s there?
DOCTOR: Doctor who?
EVERYONE: Yeah baby!