First world problem: Haircuts
I don’t have many good physical features, but I do have outrageously thick and fast-growing hair. Left unchecked, it’s enormous. When it rains, I can barely hold my head up.
This would all be fine and dandy if I didn’t dread going to the hairdresser. It’s expensive. It takes ages. There’s a lot stressful small talk. Here are some of my top tips for staying sane during a haircut:
- Reflect the small talk. “No, I’m not going out tonight. Are you? Please elaborate at length while I make encouraging noises. Then tell me your holiday plans.”
- Never accept a drink. This is not a social call. There will be no beverages. Just cut the hair. Cut it!
- Get hair tips. Ladycuts cost loads, so I like to get maximum value by pumping the hairdresser for styling tips. I now know how to use velcro rollers properly, what temperature my irons should be at, and that I should refer to straighteners as ‘irons’.
- Take a photo. Get someone to take a photo of your hair immediately after it’s been cut and styled. Now you won’t have to spend the first ten minutes of your next visit going ‘Um, make it less… wide? And a bit more hair-like?’ Just whip out the photo and settle down for an hour of awkward, dehydrated chit-chat.
I’m going to have to go soon; I’ll let you know if I pick up any good tips.
Chris says he’s going to send me some ‘motivational text messages’ this week. Here’s one I received this morning, along with my apparently incorrect reply:
I have slept very poorly of late, mostly because I can’t get the bedroom dark enough. Chris bought me some Ovaltine as a kind of nutritious old-lady sedative and it’s flipping delicious. Everyone, drink Ovaltine! Those old ladies know what they’re doing.