Mr Kipling Cocktail Fancies taste test

Sure, we’re all familiar with the classic Mr Kipling French Fancy; a square of spongey yumyum with flamboyant buttercream hunch, enrobed in sweet fondant and fetching contrast drizzle. Even with the infuriating conspiracy of silence around the apparent portion shrinkage that has occurred in the 21st century (people keep telling me my ‘hands are just bigger now’), a box of eight is still one of the classiest treats that £1.90 can buy.*

So I’m sure you’ll be as thrilled as I was to discover that there’s a new Fancy in town – Mr Kipling Limited Edition Cocktail Fancies. I picked up a box of these in Sainsbury’s yesterday for the special promotional price of £1.50. And when I say ‘picked up’, I mean ‘fell upon like a wild dog’.

French Fancies

Obviously we’ve tried them all already. Obviously. So here’s my cake-verdict. I was going to include Chris’s helpful comments, but he is doing some kind of Important Work. Boo.

Raspberry Daiquiri
Easily the best of the three flavours; I’ve never actually had a real raspberry daiquiri, so I can’t speak to its accuracy, but feel like the winning combo of sweet and sharp raspberry icing over the standard cake innards just can’t be beaten. If anything, I’m guessing we should probably be making the cocktail more like the cake. Get on it, alco-boffins!

Pina Colada
I love a piña colada and plan to drink them exclusively once I reach my 85th birthday. ‘What, Great Aunt Jenny? Yeah, don’t bother with the water, she just drinks those now. I dunno, we’ll get her an insulin drip or something. To be honest, it’s the least of our worries, especially since she’s refusing to pay tax to the giant cockroach king. All Hail His Majestic Mouthparts.’

So, yes. This is a nice cake! If you like piña colada (and/or getting caught in the rain etc).

Peach Bellini
The only off-putting thing about this Fancy is that it is peach-coloured. Which is an odd colour for a cake. Also, it smells of peachy lipgloss, although that’s not a bad thing. This is probably the most accurate of the three flavours, and is a little less sweet too. Delicious!

*Sidebar: Scots also LOVE replying to the question ‘Would you like a French Fancy or a meringue?’ Try saying it to your local tame Scottish person, you’ll make their day. Er, you might want to buy some French Fancies first, or everyone will go home disappointed.

Like this? Here are more odd food posts:

Japanese Kit Kat taste test

Chris’s favourite frozen margarita

How to roll your eggs

 

 

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Quest to impress Shania Twain

Chris got a Spotify subscription a while back, and he keeps listening to this cheesy 90s-heavy playlist in the morning while I’m having a shower. It’s both amazing and dreadful, and raises all kinds of intriguing thoughts like: Wow, I had no idea I knew all the words to Oops I Did It Again, and All champagne is French, Ricky Martin. And if someone forces you to order it, they’re not really your friend.

But the track that winds me up most is Shania Twain’s That Don’t Impress Me Much. For so many reasons, but mainly the sheer unimpressability of Shania herself. Let’s recap:

Things that don’t impress Shania Twain:

  • Rocket scientists
  • Personal grooming
  • Car ownership
  • Elvis Presley
  • Brad Pitt

Things that might impress Shania Twain:

  • Keeping warm at night
  • Possessing ‘the touch’

Shania is looking for a car-free idiot with poor hygiene and at least one hand. Get over yourself, Shania, you’re not impressing anyone with that attitude.

This post brought to you from 1998. Goodnight.

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My Netflix this week: Strong as hell

Contains spoilers for Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

kimmyblog

Happy happy weekdays
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Upbeat block-colour enthusiast Kimmy has been held captive in a bunker for the last 15 years but is now attempting make a grown-up life in New York with a fistful of cash, a brainful of late ’90s slang and absolutely no idea what an iPhone is.

Sidenote: I breezed through this whole series in a week, and really loved it. I like that it’s not full of cynical straight white guys. I like how thrilled Kimmy is with her crappy flat and thankless job. I like that some scenes are dark as hell without being sentimental.

Great after: A bad day. Trouble at work? Argument with your spouse? Have a martini and straighten your face, dude, at least you haven’t been trapped underground since 1999.

Short on time? Skip to: Oh, you should just watch all of it. Although I guess we liked episode 4 with Martin Short as a creepy plastic surgeon best of all.

YouTube taster for non-Netflixers: The addictive autotuned theme song. Chris and I have been shouting ‘They alive, dammit!’ at each other for a few days now.

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Catchin’ up wi’ The Broons

As a little kid I loved The Broons and Oor Wullie, so I was thrilled when Chris’ mum unearthed a stash of old annuals and gave us a Broons annual to take home.

It’s really weird to look at them as an adult. For example, I always assumed the Broons lived perpetually in the 1950s or 60s, but there are a few contemporary references dropped into these strips. Here’s Daphne at karaoke!

karaoke

I’m guessing that either they didn’t want Daphne to say ‘sexy’, or the lyrics have been changed to avoid incurring the wrath of Rod Stewart’s copyright lawyers.

In other musical news, Marti Pellow out of Wet Wet Wet not only makes a cameo appearance but breaks the fourth wall! Also they call him ‘Marty’ Pellow! Despite being huge fans, Maggie and Daphne don’t react to Marti showing up, although they are suffering an unfortunate bagpipe-related accident at the time.

marti

Confusingly, Granpaw’s girlfriend Annie Lennox does not appear to be related to the singer-songwriter.

annielennox

I have been able to get some more clues on my own family’s long-running quest to find out how the Broons, a family of 10 living in a small tenement flat, could afford their But ‘n’ Ben holiday cottage. My dad theorises that they inherited it, which seems probable, but this strip reveals that it’s built on farmland. I thought maybe the farmer rented it to them, but Wikipedia insists that they own it. It’s a mystery.

ben

Aren’t the drawings just gorgeous, though? Look at thon coos!

 

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Distracting things in Lord of the Rings

A belated happy happy new year to you! I was horribly poorly for most of December, so I spent much of our super-duper Christmas break weeping and watching the Lord of the Rings trilogy in bed. Don’t pity me; this is actually a pretty great way to spend Christmas.

Because I was so deeply bored, I took screengrabs of all the bits that distract me every chuffing time I watch these films. I am aware, of course, that they are all ridiculous.

Scary Hobbit prop

Ride like the wind, Arwen! Look, black riders everywhere! Frodo will never make it to Rivendell! Actually, that’s not Frodo. That’s… terrifying.

frodo and arwen

Bonus horse photobomb in the background, there. Nice one, horse.

Crooked Elven headgear

What I’m supposed to think: Arwen and Aragorn reunited! Truly, their love is as eternal as her beauty is ethereal. What an uplifting end to this whole Middle Earth bunfight. And everyone looks so clean. I wish I was an elf.

What I actually think: Is Arwen’s headgear a bit squint? I mean, it doesn’t look squint, but if you follow the line from that centre-dip to the little teardrop on her forehead, it’s definitely leaning to her left. Not that it matters, of course. But I bet they filmed this loads of times, and it’s the climactic scene of a multi-million dollar franchise, so you’d really think someone would make sure that thing was stuck in place or something. How did they get Elrond’s hair in that funky celtic knot? Is the cooker on? I’ll just go and check. I wish I was an elf.

I honestly don’t think I’ve ever listened to the dialogue in this scene. It’s mental chaos.

Arwen headdress

Orc-ganisation

Orcs. They’re an army of crazy lump-faced killers who exist only to serve a giant disembodied eye. They leer! They fight each other! They walk like angry orangutans! But how are they so organised? Who sorts out the guard shifts? Who teaches them to march in such perfect formation? Where do they sleep? How do they decide who does what? If I was an orc, I’d like to be one of those troll-masters. I’d teach the trolls to do tricks in my spare time, then we’d start a circus act and be the toast of Mordor. No more battles for me!

When researching this matter, I found a cartoon that poses the same question about Reavers, and also a page with a sentence that I misread as ‘Orcs generally hate Elvis’, which only deepened my confusion.

Orcs

That is all.

Edited to add: Chris tells me he always notices Aragorn’s beard glue in the squinty-headwear scene. Interesting.

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Do it anyway

Chris phinChris left his job on Friday; here he is on his final walk to the office! We were initially terrified of this, but now we’re feeling pretty great. We’ve done everything the way all good 80s kids were ‘supposed’ to for the last few years, and it hasn’t especially worked out for us, so now we’re doing things our own way.

I have no doubt that Chris will be completely fine, career-wise. He is literally the hardest working person I know. At art school, he used to stay up all night putting together fantastic graphic design projects, then he’d go to his critiques, volunteer as a student rep at various deeply-dull meetings, and go out and do a shift at the restaurant. He is relentless. And really, really clever. That’s not bragging, really, it’s just a stone cold fact.

I’ve been celebrating our new chapter by Fraggle-dancing to this in the car. Try it!

When I was a kid I really wanted hair like Red Fraggle. Actually, I still do.

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My Netflix this week: Big girls’ night in

ITcrowd

I’ve been working crazy-long hours, so I’ve only managed to watch two things on Netflix this week. That’s still two more things than many people with actual serious adult responsibilities get to watch, so I can’t really complain.*

Wednesday night alone
Sliding Doors

Sliding Doors

Gwyneth Paltrow both catches and misses a Tube train, then leads two parallel lives that involve such Nineties issues as haircuts, cappuccinos, unwritten novels and PR careers. Worth watching if only to see Gwyneth drink a beer and make a sandwich, which these days, I assume, could only be done with CGI and a motion capture suit.

Sidenote; I was an impressionable student when this movie came out, and I went straight to the hairdresser and got my hair cropped just like Gwyneth’s. I was already rocking the John Hannah eyebrows, so I looked more awesome than you can possibly imagine.

Great with: Beer, sandwiches, positive mental outlook.  (DO NOT attempt if you have recently missed a train or have a tendency to disappear down the imagined corridors of missed opportunity.)

Short on time? Skip to: 7:22 “Everybody’s born knowing all The Beatles’ lyrics instinctively… they should be called The Foetals.” John Hannah, you’re great.

YouTube taster for non-Netflixers: Cheer-up date. This scene has it all – the haircut, the eyebrows, and she doesn’t drink the milkshake. A relief, somehow.

Fashion flashback
Pretty in Pink

Pretty in pink

A parade of dizzyingly coiffed youths argue and date and go to their prom. Er, that’s really it. I suspect this film is more enjoyable if you didn’t spend the 1980s in the pre-internet Western Isles, where one could only dream of such statically-charged glamour.

The fickle winds of fashion make it easy to miss the subtleties of plot; for example, one oddly-dressed character has an amazing makeover…

pretty in pink makeover

… and I honestly didn’t realise it was supposed to be an improvement until Molly Ringwald cried happy tears. Confusing.

Short on time? Skip to: 7:49. I wish I worked in ‘Trax’.

Great with: A low-level James Spader obsession. That magnificent bastard.

YouTube taster for non-Netflixers: Try a Little Tenderness. This is what life was like before smartphones, kids.

Enjoy! Or if you don’t fancy these, here are some more Netflix inspirations. And let me know what you’re watching on Netflix this week; I (obviously) need help.

*I totally can. I could complain your ears right off, given wine and time and a sturdy  kitchen chair. And bungee cord.

 

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