Like a jewel in the sun

Back in February we were cold, overworked and broke, so we did what any right-minded children of the ’80s would do – booked a holiday to Barcelona. Huzzah!

How to roll your eggs

As a northern person living in the south, one of the oddest things I am asked about at this time of year is the Easter tradition of egg rolling. Growing up, I assumed that everyone rolled eggs at Easter, and I was frankly horrified to discover that this isn’t the case.

Egg rolling is supposed to represent the rock rolling away from Jesus’ tomb (although I’m guessing this was Christianity hijacking a handy Pagan custom). In reality, egg rolling is a way to keep small children entertained for an entire morning during the Easter holidays. My infant school teacher even stretched it into a school activity, and made everyone bring in a boiled egg each year – inevitably, one confused kid would bring a raw egg and hilarity would ensue.

Anyway, here’s how to roll your eggs this Easter.

Step 1: Boil eggs

They have to be hard boiled, or it’s going to be a disappointingly short journey down the hill. Traditionally, eggs should be boiled for several days, if not the entirety of Holy Week.

I forgot to photograph the eggs boiling in the pan. I’d be hopeless on Instagram.

Step 2: Decorate eggs

When I told my mum I was writing about rolling eggs, we had this conversation via email:

You will have to wear your thermals to roll your egg*, remember and steep it in the tea pot before painting it, the old traditions should be kept alive !!!!!!

–

I don’t remember steeping it in the teapot, why do you do that!? Jxxx

–

To stain it brown

Yeah, keep your colourful dyes, Americans, we’ll have none of that vulgarity! So you can tea-stain your egg for extra Scot-points, or just paint it like we used to. My brother and I would paint ‘terrified’ faces on our eggs, which seems a bit unnecessarily violent, but we had to make our own entertainment in those pre-Nintendo days.

*I am actually wearing thermals today. Screw you, climate change.

It’s possible we took this step a little too seriously.

In a worrying indication of his own mental state, Chris decided to paint his own face on to an egg.
He’s finally cracked, LOLOLOL!

TIP: Use non-toxic paints, unless you want your kids to start seeing round corners and puking rainbows.

Step 3: Roll ’em!

Find a steep hill and roll those mothers down! There’s not really a competitive element to Scottish egg rolling, but you want to get the egg as far as possible, cracking the shell without compromising the structural integrity of the egg within. Use an underarm, bowling-style throw.

We couldn’t find a grassy hill, but you get the idea.

Step 4: Peel and eat egg

There are many people (Chris included) who won’t eat a cold, tea-soaked, hard boiled egg that’s just been thrown down a grassy bank. They are fools! Enjoy the, er, fruits of your… sorry, I’ve got involved in a confusing mix of food-based metaphor and reality. Carry on.

Congratulations, you’ve rolled your eggs! Nice work. If you’re from a town/country/planet that rolls eggs in a different way, tell us about it in the comments!

Happy Easter xxx

Good things

Hello! Let’s all shout a massive ‘HOORAY!’ at two excellent men from the House of Phin:

First up, Mr Christopher, who celebrated his 33rd birthday with cake and wine and a bundle of proofing. His mum sent us some fantastic baby photos that illustrate what a preternaturally cheerful and in-the-moment boy he is and always has been – for example, have you ever been this happy? Ever?

I think he’d still be this thrilled to receive a Brio railway bridge. Possibly even more so.

Finally, a huge round of internet applause to my father-in-law David, who donated a kidney to his brother last week. Such a brave act, and I’m so inspired by his generosity. Well done David and Martin, here’s to a speedy recovery for everyone.

(The photo is David in his beekeeping suit. Badass on every level.)

Back in the day: Feb 2nd 2005

Found a big folder of archived blog posts from years and years ago, so I thought I’d post a few for your amusement/my humiliation.

This one is from February 2nd 2005, which makes me 24 years old at the time. We were living in a slug-infested basement flat in New Cross and I was five months into my first full-time teaching post, a job which would eventually drive me completely bonkers.

Pioneer of es-sentric dressing
Both Nik and the boy ran into Stephen Fry yesterday, and frankly I feel rather left out.

In other news, I watched a video made for open day in which a little Year 7 described me: “My favourite subject is Art, our teacher is nice, she looks quite es-sentric. She makes you look with your eyeballs. We had to draw our favourite food, mine was chips.”

Oh god, this will be my legacy. Eyeballs and chips.

I have no recollection of this, but it sounds about right. My legacy was, in fact, a papier maché oryx mask and a selection of PowerPoint presentations with unnecessarily flamboyant slide transitions.

Heavens, know your Misérables now

Comprehensive spoilers for Les Misérables. Obviously.

I bloody love a bit of Les Misérables. Here’s a quick character review for those reluctant cinema-goers complaining that the film was hard to follow.*

*I’ve got nothing for those of you complaining that it was too long and melodramatic – LOL, welcome to musicals, n00bs!

Little Gollum

Chris gave me this little Lego Gollum for Christmas; it’s part of a whole scene with goblin bones and fish and a Lego Bilbo with a choice of two faces – one irritated, one terrified. It’s pretty awesome.

I’m mildly obsessed with Gollum; he’s easily my favourite character in the whole Lord of the Rings bunfight. While everyone else is on a valiant quest/hellbent on evil/a tree, Gollum has his own ring-and-fish-based agenda. He’s more human than the humans, funnier than the hobbits and is less maudlin than the haughty old elves. Gollum doesn’t give a shit about being in a fellowship or singing about oliphaunts – he’s just really into fish and the ring. And to be fair, he did manage to look after the ring for hundreds and hundreds of years without kicking off a massive, world-crumbling war with a giant flaming eye. Nice work, Gollum.

I could write all day about Gollum, but I’ll stop there and drift into a Gollum-based reverie. Here’s one of movie-Gollum’s best scenes – tormented at night by his own subconscious. Almost every night is like this for me, except I’m kept awake by thoughts of leaving the gas on rather than gruesome hobbit murder.

Cheer up books: The Kitchen Diaries II

Book:
The Kitchen Diaries II by Nigel Slater

What’s it about?
Scrumptious recipes, lyrical descriptions of the seasons and occasionally hilarious social observations from dashing cookery writer Nigel Slater. Oh, Nigel.

Will it cheer me up?
Yes! Whether you fancy an afternoon in the kitchen or just want to look at the photos and imagine Nigel’s making your packed lunch tomorrow, it’ll cheer you up in no time. We had the Angel Hair Noodles with Chicken Broth for our Hogmanay dinner and they were the happiest noodles ever.

Will it make me cry happy tears?
No. But it’ll make you calm and popular and possibly slightly fat.

Additional note for insomniac audiobook listeners: If you love this, you’re might enjoy the sweet cookery writer parody In and Out of the Kitchen. Check it out!